letter

allow me to preface this with the setting. taylor, myself, alex, and lisa were at BJ's getting fried dough yesterday afternoon. BJ's has these big carts full of old boxes that people can take at the enterence to the store, so alex and lisa were having a grand old time making sweet armor and little cars out of a few of them as taylor and i sat and ate, all until one very large woman on an in-store hoverround came over...


Dear Irate Woman,

i had a truely wonderful day yesterday. very early in the morning i did some research that led me to fixing my car, that has been in and out of garages with to avail for 2 months. so i started off my day feeling pretty successful. i took a trip to portsmouth and got some food, i paid off a parking ticket balance, i bought a new tire, i tried to visit my lovely grandparents, i visited my old high school, and finally i met up with my girlfriend and 2 other friends at BJ's for some food before getting ingredients for the valentines day cupcakes my friends were making later on. it was at this point in my day in which you forced yourself upon our lives. rather than simply ask nicely for some boxes from the bin, or even explain your views about alex and lisa's use of said boxes, you opened your wide mouth and began yelling at them about their so called miss use of boxes. i'm not sure what part of you needs the satisfaction of making scenes in public places over non-issues, but i want you to know that the people walking by behind you were not grimacing in support of your tirade, but were in fact laughing at how pathetic and unnecessary it was. at a certain point, i felt that i could no longer sit and watch your verbal assault, so i kindly voiced the sentence "i'm sure there are plenty of boxes to go around" across the court. at this you turned to me and in a rambling of nonsensical angered babbling referred to me as a little boy and cried about how people need these boxes for their groceries, as if we were standing above an elderly woman holding them out of her reach, or simply burning both monstrous bins of them and laughing. your point about someone having to bring out the boxes from the back could have been a good one, had we not been in a BJ's. the sheer size of the store and amount of product they see daily leads them to have in influx of cardboard boxes. the backroom staff of BJ's loves to refill these bins because it means they can get rid of the never ending piles of cardboard faster, thus giving them room to work. i know this because a good friend and former coworker of mine was one of these BJ's employees! our entire exchange was nothing but entertaining to me until you crossed a line and challenged my mother's parenting. it was at this point that what had been a general distaste for you based on your actions thus far evolved into disgust. you prefaced this attack with the line "you have no respect for your elders." i will say, right now, that i must agree. i don't give my respect to people based on their age, i don't judge people by their age, i judge them by their actions. i think that giving you a free pass to be a complete bitch because you're older than me makes about as much sense me as hating you based upon your gender or ethnicity. age discrimination works both ways my dear.
in closing, i would like to say that i'm sorry your pathetic life leads you to look for satisfaction in humiliating girls who are having fun and harming nobody in any way. i'm also sorry that you need BOXES just to transport the gross amount of food you buy like freight. perhaps if you bought half the food in that cart you wouldn't need boxes, and maybe you'd lose enough weight that your legs could actually support your sheer mass long enough to carry you around the store. this would also allow you to leave that hoverround for YOUR elders, who's long fulfilling lives have earned them the assistance.

good day ma'am.
Tucker K. Leary